Love me please..

May 30, 2015

For someone who is very open and honest and talks candidly online about my life, I am a very private person really who likes the quiet life and being alone. I’m not a loner, but I do not like socialising too much or going to the pub every weekend. I could not think of anything more dull than spending every weekend with the same people, off my face and feeling rough the next day. Socialising with big groups of people is exhausting and I much prefer 1 or 2 people to hang out with. 

Anyway, I do keep a lot inside and I don’t like to talk about my family or love life very much as you know; but today I thought I would talk about the relationship with my dad, only because it’s changed and it’s been playing on my mind. 

My dad is an introvert who is quiet and anti social to an extent. He is not exactly politically correct but that’s just his generation. He struggles to show emotion or affection. He is a proud man and I’ve never wanted for anything. I went on every holiday at school, I had nice clothes and nice parties. He paid for most of my house and my car. He took me back and fourth to hospital when I had cancer and he does everything for my kids.

Not having a mother was hard when I was sick. My dad had to be both a mum and dad. I needed and wanted the emotional support at the time. There were no tears no hugs no “you’re doing great Caroline.” I always say to people that only they can validate themselves and not to rely on praise from others, but everyone wants their dad to be proud of them and show love. Mine does but not in the way I wanted him to. 

So I always doubted myself, how I was doing. I suppose I became quite desperate for validation and even love from others during the cancer ordeal. I know that men that remind me of my father are more of a challenge. Cold and aloof and hard with me. It’s what I know and it’s  very attractive to me. I needed the opposite yet I went after that which made me feel terrible about myself, sad and unworthy, I know I do this but it’s so addictive I just seem to follow the same pattern.  

 Anyway I wanted to say that things have changed. I’m not sure what happened or the whys but since I had the reconstruction my dad is different. We watched the C word together, about Lisa Lynch who sadly died of cancer after 5 years in remission. Lisa had very supportive and loving parents. I think my dad saw that and it was a real wake up call. It’s not his fault, it’s no ones fault. Everyone is how they are for a reason. And people aren’t cold because I’m not worthy or loveable I’m sure.. ☺️ 

Anyway we’ve not fought for 6 weeks now and that’s good going for us! Surprisingly I like living in harmony and hate arguing it’s just I always have an opinion… 😉

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1 Comment

  • Reply Rosemary June 2, 2015 at 10:53 am

    Found this a really fascinating read and so honest. I’m realising that’s what cancer does for you, if you let it. The emotional needs of us and others seem to be sharpened and emphasised at this time and external referencing to the context we find outselves in is critical. Thanks for this x

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