I am your worst nightmare.

October 23, 2016

It’s not easy sometimes being a walking talking worst nightmare for most women who’ve had primary cancer. If I had to describe the feeling it would be one of embarrassment, shame, sadness, feeling sick to the pit of my stomach. Naturally everybody including myself before this woe wants to be rid of cancer and nobody wants to die of cancer. I totally get that and I respect people being honest and open about their feelings even if it hurts mine. 

Every day I go online and read about how petrified people are about cancer returning and how it would be their worst nightmare. It all sounds too familiar, because this was once me. Now I’m on the other side that nobody wants to be on, my heart sinks a little every time I read others fear. I know it’s not personal and I know they don’t fear me just my disease, but yet I still feel like a disaster, a clucks and the odd one out.

 I have accepted I’m going to die and I am ok with it. That doesn’t make me superior to anyone or a hero. Actually it’s something I never thought would happen. I want to emphasise that there’s a huge difference in accepting death and being ok with it and giving up and not fighting to live. 

The way I deal with this disease that will kill me is by loving and living life so that when I do go I will smile and say I did everything that I wanted to do. I’ll say I had a rich and full life. It doesn’t matter now so much about the quantity of years,if I’m 40 or 80 when I snuff it, it’s about the quality of years, and I realise that there’s a damn lot of fun you can inject in to a short life. 

I can’t spend my days being sad and thinking I’m going to die soon-that will surely only kill me quicker. I keep busy and plan things that fill me with joy and excitement. Always keeping busy means sometimes the whole day goes by and I haven’t thought about cancer once. I won’t let it rule my life, it’s taken so much from me already. 

I’m probably most people’s worst nightmare but I’m not that scary. I’m just living my life the best way I can mostly with a smile on my face X 

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