Everybody talks about living in the moment or living each day like it’s their last but who actually lives like that? Why would you unless you had the D sign hanging over your head. By “the D” I’m afraid I mean death.
I never truly understood living in the moment until now. I’m on borrowed time you see. In a weird way it’s exciting. I’m doing everything I ever wanted to do in a short space of time. Cramming if you will. I’m lucky that I don’t have to work and I have the money to be able to enjoy life. There’s also sheer panic. I feel sick and awash with fear. There’s something cruel and twisted in knowing you’re going to die young, but not knowing when. Of course we all know that we will all eventually snuff it, but it’s mostly a lot further off than if you have cancer in several places. Furthermore, without treatment I would be dead sooner than later.
This blog post is mostly about dying, what’s happened to my positive spirit you may wonder? Well, I’ve been on twitter this morning reading things I shouldn’t. Some people are very morbid and they campaign for more secondary awareness including horrifying stats. I shouldn’t really describe them as morbid. In fact they are just very honest about their situations, (perhaps lesser cowards than I am), but it’s harrowing to read and reminds me why I chose initially not to read these things in the first place.
I choose to be an ostrich this time around. I feel well and feel happy. I don’t want to talk about it or read about it all day long. I don’t want to talk to other women like me. It’s no longer supportive talking to a woman in my boat, it’s frightening. It’s depressing . I’m well aware that my diagnosis is a downer for some and also scary. Nobody has to read my blog, they choose to or curiosity gets the better of them.
My point is, living each day like it’s my last is about being the happiest version of myself I can be and I can’t be that person if I’m constantly talking about my cancer and reading about others fears regarding death. Whether people think I’m a coward or I’m selfish – it doesn’t matter. It’s about what works for me, and I know that living my life works, not being bogged down with the scary details.
So today I will be living life like its my last day on earth. I won’t be reading about others or posting on forums. I won’t be worrying about how long I have left, I’ll just continue to live in the moment (also, pretty sure today isn’t going to be my last day). X