How do you find hope when everything seems hopeless?
Answer? You just have to-sorry that’s all there is to it. I can’t answer specifically with intricate detail, I suppose I just learned the behaviour over time.
I can tell what having hope in your heart doesn’t mean. It doesn’t mean you can’t feel sad or angry. It doesn’t mean you can’t feel or show dissapointment. It doesnt mean you can’t shout or cry and it certainly doesn’t mean you can’t momentarily feel like there’s no point in being positive and hopeful any longer because everything seems useless. We are all living people with brains, beating hearts and real emotions. Perhaps if we were robots it would be possible to remain positive every second of every day living with cancer, but it’s important to feel emotions. Let them visit you and then let them leave again.
I am a reasonably positive person who chooses to ignore my cancer and get on with life. The trouble is when the dreaded scans are due it’s in the forefront of my mind and I get frightened. That’s normal. There’s no point telling me not to worry because I’m going to worry.
Last week was a total contrast to the woman enjoying herself in Mexico sunbathing sipping on pina coladas looking healthy and sun kissed. I became unwell when I arrived back. At first I just thought it was the long flight and jet lag but I know my body and it didn’t feel right.
Cue 48 hours later and I’m thrown in to turmoil again and the unknown. Let’s face it cancer is always the uknown. It’s never cured. It can return at any time but the longer you live in remission the less anxious you tend to become-it’s definitely preferable to living with cancer permanently anyway, but let me get back to the subject in hand.
On hearing that not everything was as rosy as it had been, I allowed myself the full day to cry and the following day somehow, I found the strength to smile again and more importantly believe. It wasn’t forced, it was just instinctive. I’d made the decision that I’d get over this new obstacle. There is no way my time would be up any time soon!
So I’m back on the positive train again. Each time I tell myself if I get any further crappy news I won’t have anything left to give. But we will cross that bridge if and when it comes to it…