I’m currently waiting for an MRI planning scan in preparation for my cyber knife treatment. Cyber knife is radiation delivered in a high dose but targeted very accurately to tumours. It’s still relatively new in the cancer world, but also very successful in eradicating cancer. I wasn’t sure if I’d be accepted as I’m sure they must have a strict criteria, but they have agreed it and I have a couple of sessions the week after next.
At the moment, now cancer is shrinking and I’m stable, life is very good, yes I have many many side effects but I’ve gotten used to them and accept that I’m never going to feel on top of the world or full of vitality, but I can still do the things I enjoy doing so long as I have enough rest.
I’ve quickly learned with this cancer that it’s so important not to make it your everything. In the beginning cancer took over, I became the understudy of my own life. Because my cancer was incurable, I was more scared to actually live than I was of death! I started to realise- the more normality I introduced, the happier I became and the more I forgot about the cancer. I mean, I never forget, not entirely, but some days there’s hours where I don’t even think about it! I’m not quite sure when I adjusted to my new new normal, it was definitely a process, and you have to feel shock, grief and anger before acceptance. Acceptance that this cancer can’t be cured but we can still live our lives and do the things we enjoy when we are well.
I’ve written about my cancer for years now. Writing for me is effortless and far easier than speaking to others about my journey. Today I spoke to someone about the last four years and I cried, yet it still seems like I’m telling someone else’s story-like I’m on the outside looking in. My story is sad, some of it painful to recall, but also it’s a story full of hope and positivity and it can be found even if there’s tears and bad days-it’s ok to be upset or angry, it’s what you do afterwards that matters.
So here I am back in the waiting room for the umpteenth time waiting for a scan. I’m at the hospital more than I care to be, I juggle appointments around home life, I’ve had more needles and scans than anyone would want, so of course cancer does impact on my life somewhat; it’s just that I never let it take centre stage because it doesn’t deserve the leading role. It can just sit there quietly in the background- it’s after all just an extra. I’m the star…