The reason I don’t write every now and then is either (hopefully)because I’m having too much fun or sadly I just don’t feel well enough too and unfortunately this time around was the latter.
I often wonder how I can feel perfectly well having all this cancer for months and then in a blink or an eye all of a sudden feel awful, but then it’s a balancing act and everything needs to be playing ball and functioning well, including my lungs and liver, which can attract all sorts of problems including fluid on the lungs which causes pain when they’re full and I need draining. This was the initial health problem- a lot of pain, and it wasn’t nice but I knew I’d escaped for so long without pain that it was going to arrive sooner rather than later; and this is suppose was the start of all the problems.
Anyway a small drain as put in between my ribs amongst my clear space and fluid was drained which made me feel better. The current chemo I was taking just did no work at all for me which was a let down and now I’m on the fith line which doesn’t take an expert to realise I’ve used all my option up nearly and I need this to work. Like others I’d hoped I’d never run out but my cancer is just too strong for the treatments and I become immune to it very quickly.
I’ve been thinking about death a lot a whilst not giving up at all, it’s inevitable and I accept it. I can just work hard on my health and make lots of memories with my family-but repeat I don’t think I’m at that stage yet, whilst tired and sleeping a lot, I mostly feel well and get out when I can.
Because of my brain mets, there is swelling around the tissue which caused me to have a seizure a few weeks, it was very frightening as I was alone in the house which I never am! They don’t even think I’m having fits because I’m very anxious and have panic attacks which cause me to hyperventilate and slurred speech. Anyway my speech went when I was chatting to the dog and I had this auru like I knew what was going to happen and then I got up and collapsed on the hard kitchen floor. God know why I decided to collapse there. I was convulsing, my fists and legs shaking my face was cheeks were also convulsing, yet I remained consciousness throughout the whole thing .partial seizures tend to not last as long as thestronger gran mal type fits could last for one minute but can feel like a lifetime. Muscles I’d never used before all hurt, and I was covered in bruises trying to lift myself up and failing and falling smack on the hard ground. I didn’t think I’d be able to pull myself up and go outside for help but eventually I did. When the paramedic came I was just relieved that I felt safe even though the seizure had knocked me of all my energy.
So this is where we are now. I’ve not had a fit for five weeks and I’m slowly gaining the confidence to go out alone again or be left alone. I think I’d say I was going into one last week but I managed tho breath through it although not sure the doctors believe or understand this. What happens is I feel anxiety, and start hyperventilating and I twitch, and if I speak the words don’t come or I slur them. But the other day I managed to breath through it and clear my mine and it just seem to pass before the electricity hit. So who knows? It’s just another problem I need to get used I suppose.
So here is me. Cancer that won’t get under control and seizures. I know I’m not the only one with both of these but I can’t help but feel unlucky and like I need a break.
Tomorrow is my birthday and my family have gone all out with all the things I like and we are also having a holiday in a bun in the woods so I can have some me time. It’s odd turning 38 because I feel lucky that I’ve made it thus far but yes still want to last so much longer… I think I’m in my late thirties and there are much younger people dying on this planet. Cancer, starvation, I am looked after, I am loved deeply but most importantly I’ve had a lovely life.