So today I met with my oncologist in clinic to talk about my new chemo, which is making me feel very sick. Who’d have thought I’d need to take steroids to maintain my weight?! I don’t eat very much day to day partly because I feel so nauseous, partly because I have cancer in my liver and it’s uncomfortable, but then the steroids I take do increase my appetite to a degree and reduce the swelling that’s going on inside my brain for now.
I’d had never imagined That cancer would spread to my brain. It’s probably the worst news a breast cancer patient can receive and it had to happen to me. I’ve had two seizures thus far, the latest one recently- I was on holiday with family and felt safer than during my initial fit. The same things happened to me during my first seizure. My speech became slurred, dizzy enough to lie down quickly, then the convulsions started. (An Aura). Having a seizure is excruciatingly embarrassing even with friends and family. You want it to stop but you have to ride the wave desperately hope is ceases on its own. This time around my whole body did not convulse so I was far less achey following and I came around less tired.
Anyway They’ve offered me anti seizure meds, but I’m borderline for those- they may do more harm than good. For now, I’ll stay on daily steroids. The fits I’ve had have affected my memory, balance and co-ordination. I’ve fallen over twice on the hard floor causing pain and bruising. I presumed I’d get the balance back in time, but as the weeks have passed, I think I’m permanently to a certain degree disabled now, due to the fits which has made me feel extremely sad.
But I do know that I must love life, because I put up with whatever in order to stay alive. My doctor reminded me of this today when she said “Caroline you’ve been doing doing all this for five years now” Time often goes so quickly when you live with cancer day to day, but softening is the realisation that one day maybe very soon, treatment will stop working for me. Until then the show must go on. I don’t want to throw in the towel in yet.
I’m keeping very busy at home though. I have a mini renovation going on, and our living room should be ready by Christmas. I’m very much looking forward to a family Christmas. I’ve always taken this time of year for granted before, but I’ve come to realise that like everything, it’s easier much easier to appreciate something and treasure it when you have lower expectations…
love Caroline x