I’m sure people have busy lives and I don’t want or expect to be number one priority.
I’m sure it’s hard being friends with somebody who is dying of cancer, difficult to know what to do, worried about saying the wrong thing. I’m certain it’s frightening for some being around me too so it’s easier to distance themselves. I don’t think its hard though to pick up the phone, send a text, fairly regularly though-you know, check in on me. I know it must seem I’m ok because I posted a photo on social media, (yay I’m still alive), but inside I feel hurt that I’ve not heard from people for a month, maybe more. Apart from not hearing from people, the following things piss me off.
I can’t arrange my plans around your life. I can’t travel all the way up to you, offers of meeting half way are preferable. Cancelling plans that I’ve arranged meticulously around my treatment and then saying “how about next week” is not really going to work for me. I have a window around my treatment to do things and the least you could do was try to understand that. People that make plans and then forget about them. Well I guess that’s ok if you have chemo brain, and of course, I understand that people forget things, but all the time? Anyway it doesn’t make me feel so good.
Maybe this is hurtful and sounds ungrateful but I always wanted those friends who were just there without you having to ask, the ones who always had enough time for you, sent you nice messages when you had good news, took you out at short notice just to cheer you up. Perhaps I just didn’t deserve friends like that, or maybe I deserved better friends? Who knows? I’m not one to reach out to people or ask for help, or even arrange things, because I’m ill. I’m confused, scared, and mostly I have too much pride, and the reason I’m so family orientated and quite socially introverted is because in a nut shell- people let you down and depressingly they let you down when you’re dying too. I’ve dealt with this cancer very much alone because I didn’t want to be let down again in a major way at such a vulnerable and low ebb in my life.
I think It’s hard being a friend to someone with cancer, but it’s harder being me.
Love Caroline x