bereavement breast cancer

It hurts so much knowing you will cause the people you love so much pain..

April 20, 2017

Some days I would swear to you that I have the strongest most resilient daughters going. I’ll tell you they’ve accepted my fate, and that when I go it won’t be a shock. I’ll tell you that they will get over it in time. I’ll say “They’ll be ok.”

People often ask me “How are the kids doing?” Only they aren’t enquiring in general, they really want to know how are the kids coping knowing that their mother is dying? I find it quite difficult to answer, mostly because it’s sad to talk about and because I don’t actually know for sure because I know they hide their real feelings from me much of the time. I shouldn’t be surprised-they learned from the best. I’m the master at pretending everything is fine and dandy, the one who doesn’t moan and just gets  on with things.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my children and how they will cope once I’m gone. It’s something that scares me far more than dying itself. The guilt can overwhelm me, and I often feel so helpless knowing there’s nothing I can do about the impending situation. I thought I knew what feeling helpless was like before, but nothing was, it was all fixable, it just didn’t seem it at the time. Terminal cancer taught me the true meaning of feeling helpless and it’s soul- destroying. 

I probably haven’t helped myself. Recently I’ve followed a couple of young women on social media who have lost their mothers and write very honestly about the pain and anguish they feel. I feel like I need to know this from another’s point of view even though I know personally- losing my own mother when I was just twenty one and pregnant with my first child. It’s not enough to have first hand experience, curiosity gets the better of me. I long to hear positive things, comforting things, or just a sign that my daughters will be ok, but it’s still too raw for these ladies, and I wonder if I’m just adding salt to the wound?

Put simply, my death will affect everything in my daughters’ lives. The time I’ve spent wondering who will be there for them to help them through the first few painful years. Of course, I wish I could be there, I’d know just what to say and do. The not knowing how they will cope in life when I’m gone is so hard to think about. Will they wish that they lost me when they were young so they’d have no memories of me? Or, will they be glad that we had our time be it short, together?

Every morning I wake up I’m thankful for another day, and I pray every day that we will have longer together. None of us want the final day to come; that I am sure of. Maybe that should be my answer when people ask me “how are the girls doing,” because that’s the raw unspoken truth isn’t it? I hope that when the pain subsides, the girls will learn many positives from losing their mum at a young age. I want them to follow their dreams, be bold, courageous and determined in life; but know too that there’s not an infinite amount of time in life to do everything. Nobody knows that more than I do…

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4 Comments

  • Reply thegirlywords May 15, 2017 at 1:06 am

    What can you say to this. It’ s just so brutally honest, and your girls will remember you that way. They will never forget how courageous and amazing their mother was, and still is. They have each other, to remind them of you, and maybe that’s more than those other girls have. Your girls have a sister. So don’t worry about them. And no matter what happens in their lives, the pain of losing you will lessen with time, and anything else that happens to them – any challenges – everything will be surmountable. They will accomplish great things for they will be fearless. They will live ther lives with gusto. And you’re helping them right now. More than you realise. You’re preparing them every day for the day you’re no longer here. And this is what all great parents do. The worst we can do is over protect them. To make them fearful and timid. They’re never going to try. Because they might fail. …I believe that’s why people who have lost a parent early on in life accomplish so much. They know pain up close and personal. And they know they can master it. So they’re not afraid to take chances. As a group they’re more successful, more daring and more satisfied with their lives than people who haven’t experienced firsthand what it’s like to lose someone so significant. It sets them apart. And so it should. They’re special. Just like you. Loves. xo

    • Reply Myboobsandme May 15, 2017 at 8:35 am

      Thank you for these lovely words 😒 means a lot

      • Reply thegirlywords May 15, 2017 at 8:55 pm

        You’re so special. Your appreciation means a lot to me. xo

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