I am feeling a bit depressed.
I don’t doubt that this is down to a combination of things especially the treatment. I have zero interest in anything and my concentration has plummeted. I don’t want to watch films or much tv as I can’t seem to focus. I don’t feel like going outside, it seems like a scary place at the moment, but again it’s down to having little interest in doing anything.
I’ve noticed since the radiation that my spelling is shocking- it took me two days looking at a simple word thinking that actually doesn’t look right realising it was spelt wrong and it was so hard remembering the correct spelling. As someone who loves to write this scares me. What if I’m not able to articulate my thoughts on paper? Some of my words come out of my mouth incorrectly or the order of words is wrong. It’s not dramatic but I notice it. My scalp also hurts a lot. I can only describe the pain as someone pulling your hair all day long with malice, it feels extremely tender and it hurts to lie on it. This pain is either from the radiation killing my hair follicles, actual burned skin on my scalp or both.
As you know I’ve lost my hair twice now. I now have a lot of hair and I’ve always been lucky that it’s grown back quickly and thick. Now I face the prospect of losing my hair a third time, so soon after my second. Each time I’ve found out I’m going to lose it it’s bothered me less. It’s not a shock anymore. I’ve come to realise that I never loved my hair much anyway and I don’t get attached to it when it grows back, style it or pay attention to it. I do wish I could be like other women and do normal things with my hair. Sometimes I feel a bit envious of people’s lovely locks, (or jealous when I have none). Normal things like having hair to others are far less important to me in the grand scheme of things. What I mean is I have to sacrifice my looks over living longer. Of course I feel annoyed at times.Can’t I just have no cancer and nice hair please?
I feel like this is a tough point in my life. When you are given months of feeling well and travelling the world living and leading an amazing life, it’s such a shock to suddenly feel unwell and unable to do the things you did before mostly because of a lack of energy. I just returned from two weeks of sunshine and now I’m mostly in my dark bedroom thinking about where and why it all went wrong.
One thing I know for sure that with secondary cancer you really have to put the work in (endure tough treatment)for a few months to get results (feel good). It’s generally worth it but it can be rough and I often ask myself why I’m putting my body through this again? But the feeling well feeling awful cycle is just on constant repeat, this is what my life is now. I should stress that I’m extremely lucky that I live in a country that cares, the treatment is available and I don’t have to pay for it. It could be very different but at the moment I have the luxury of having treatment that allows me to feel well and live a normal(ish) existence.
Yeah I feel a bit depressed at the moment and I really want to wash my hands of you January and look forward to February with hopeful renewed energy, a couple of new wigs and a dictionary…