These last couple of weeks I’ve been full of this anger. It does seem to come around in cycles but this time it’s stuck around and well outstayed it’s welcome. I don’t want to feel angry, just like I don’t wake up in the morning and think I’m going to be angry today.
I often regret it, mostly because it’s a total waste of energy, and the person that the anger probably affects the most is myself. Anger often comes from a person who is very sad inside or frightened, and it can be misconstrued. It takes a lot of will and determination to not let living with a terminal illness change you as a person and knowing that anger doesn’t get you anywhere doesn’t really prevent you from not getting angry. It’s a bit like drinking again after the world’s worst hangover. You know you’re going to feel like shit and feel regretful but at the time it makes you feel good, and I suppose taking your anger out on others makes you feel a similar way too.
I’m very resentful that I’m now having weekly treatment, because for years I’ve always had plenty of time to have a life and now I do not feel like I can make plans, and it’s just totally out of my control which I cannot stand.
Having metastasis is quite cruel because there’s too much time to think about your next treatment not working, or how old your kids will be when you die. There’s far too much time to think about dying. At the same time I want to live much much longer, but it’s bitter-sweet when the time you spend alive is so god damn hard. Sometimes I think dying instantly would be preferable and I’m envious of people
who never saw their death coming. The truth is nobody deserves to die young, in a freak accident or from cancer. At least I get to say everything I want to say to my loved ones; at least I get to make the wonderful memories. Yes in some respects I’m lucky, but it comes at a cost. Tears, anxiety, fear and depressive episodes.
Yes-dying slowly is hard. Probably the hardest thing anyone ever has to do. The problem is-I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to do it…